OF WAR-TORN NATIONS AND THE DREAM OF GLOBAL PEACE

Do you sometimes wonder if a few carefully worded agreements at the nick of time could have averted the carnage going on in Russia and Ukraine? I do. Every time I hear fresh news about the weapons deployed and attacks launched in the ongoing war, I think about the devastating effects not just on the nations involved but the world in general. I think about the losses; the destruction of lives, the obliteration of infrastructure, property and investments that must have taken years and decades to build and I feel a heavy weight on my heart.

Could the war have been prevented? Were all possible channels of negotiations exhausted or were men’s ego the catalyst that set off the vicious triggers? I know that peace at all cost is oppressive but I still wonder if people give up too quickly. Viewed from the wisdom of hindsight, can the government of both countries and indeed the nations of the world say that the avenues of negotiation and reconciliation were totally exhausted?  Did the superpowers look the other way, preferring not to get involved and hoping not to be affected?

There’s so much hardship and despair going on in the world that an opportunity to avert one more war or one more disaster seems to me like an opportunity worth grasping. I am a great believer in negotiations; just yielding a little ground can save a whole lot of nightmares because when there is a war or any disaster, everyone is the victim. Our world needs saving and it can be achieved one step per time, carrying the consciousness of the good of the general public rather than the hurt sensibilities of a few men. War and anything that threatens the well-being and safety of human beings must be aggressively avoided and rejected. It is a major way to say indeed that lives matter.

In governance and leadership of any sort, the greater good should always be in focus. No nation should exhibit their nuclear superiority when there are human lives at stake. A war is not a game of chess; there is no medal for winning, there are only lost lives and wiped off communities, displaced humans and a bleeding economy. Personal ego is not a meal served on the leadership table. The moment a man/woman ventures into a leadership role, the emphasis is on what best serves the people. This cannot be emphasised enough.

If we all speak up quickly and often enough, perhaps the next war would not be fought and people can slowly rebuild their lives.

So long!!

Fatherhood with Ibe

FAMILY CHALLENGE GONE WRONG!!

Several years ago, there was a family show aired via a local television station in Nigeria that tried to promote intimacy in families. The host of the show would bring in couples and their children, where possible, and ask them questions about one another. It was a fairly popular live show. An industry colleague and friend, Kunle was interested in going for the show. He invited most of us to be part of the live audience and quite a number of people accepted the invitation and followed him and his family to the studio. I preferred to watch from home. For Kunle, it wasn’t the winning prize that was important, it was just to show off the fact that he was a real family man. I think we all felt that he would win whatever prize there was because Kunle was one of those men that were very deliberate about their families and he took pride in displaying his deep commitment to his family. He had three children; a girl and two boys and he was a very hands-on parent, even to the point of buying toiletries for the kids and his wife. He interviewed and engaged lesson teachers for them and always made his opinion known about family related issues.

The audience cheered as Kunle was introduced extravagantly as a man who had been married for 15 years and was a great believer in true love and sanctity of marriage. The host chatted with the family briefly to establish that indeed they were a closely knit family. Kunle talked about how long it took him to court his wife and all the things he did to get to know her and make her happy. He talked about fun vacations to different places within and outside Nigeria. As he spoke, his wife kept smiling and nodding through his impressive monologue. At a point, the host directed some questions to the woman, she hesitated a bit and Kunle explained that she was shy and had only come for the show because he persuaded her.

Soon it was time to test the couple’s understanding of their children.

The couple sat opposite each other and were given erase boards and told to write their answers without letting anyone see it until reveal time.

Questions were basically about the birthdays of the children, their classes, preferred subjects and meals, best friends, best teachers’ names and the children’s aspirations.

The children were asked to respond to the questions to be sure whether their parents got the right answers. It turned out, as expected, Kunle knew quite a lot about his children unlike most busy dads. However, he failed in the area of best friends and preferred subjects.

“What career do you want to pursue later?” The host asked the girl.

The parents wrote their answers and when the girl was asked to respond, she said she would like to be a doctor. Kunle proudly raised his board grinning widely. Medical doctor, he’d written. However the little eight year old boy shouted: “It’s a lie! She’s only saying this because Daddy is here. She wants to be a painter, an artist. That’s what she says all the time.”

His older brother concurred, nodding severally. The audience laughed. I guess they could relate.

“Is that true?” The host asked the girl kindly, and she nodded. Her father looked gobsmacked.

“What do you have on your board, Madam?” The host asked Kunle’s wife. She raised her board. She had written ‘Painter.’ The vein on Kunle’s forehead became visible.

“If you have a problem, who would you first go to?”

The host asked Kunle’s first son who was about 12 years old. Both Kunle and his wife wrote “Me” but the boy said he would go to his mum. Kunle was not happy about this and refused to keep quiet. He asked his son why he would go to his mum, him being a boy and all that. The young boy responded that he would go to his dad later but he would first talk with his mum. The audience cheered, again, they could relate.

The host asked another question directed at the 14 years old girl.

“What would you rather do in your spare time?”

She said she would be in the kitchen cooking with her mum or the chef. Her mum had written “Cook,” but Kunle wrote “Play table tennis.”

Kunle would not let this one go either.

“Cooking?” He asked. “Since when did you like to cook?”

“She loves to cook.” His wife said gently.

“I wasn’t asking you,” Kunle roared angrily at his wife who shrank back into her seat. I think he realised his mistake immediately and though it was a bit awkward, he managed to apologise anyway. He explained that he was taken aback by the different responses from his children.

The host tactfully diverted attention to Kunle himself. Where did you meet your spouse? When is your spouse’s birthday? And then, on to favourite colours, meals, holiday spot, holiday activities, what he considers a treat and the name of his closest friend? How does he say sorry if he’s wrong, who would he confide in?

The questions were easy but detailed enough to challenge a couple’s knowledge of basic information about each other. Kunle’s wife got almost every question right but once again, tension hit the roof as Kunle failed one question after the other. He didn’t know his wife’s favourite colour. He insisted it was brown but his wife said ‘Red’ and even their children said ‘Red.’

“You like brown, you always liked brown…brown dresses, brown shoes, brown bags. You are even wearing a brown top.” He shouted emotionally.

“You like brown and I’m okay with it but I love red.” His wife said calmly.

His youngest child explained to the embarrassed audience that his Daddy liked the brown colour and his mum only wore it to please him.

“If Daddy is not around, Mum will always wear red and more red. She said brown is too mousy.” He laughed but his Dad had had enough.

“I guess the joke’s been on me all this while. I do everything to make you happy and you don’t appreciate any of it.” He was shouting and the TV station quickly put up a commercial. Apparently, Kunle was so distraught that he stormed out of the studio and drove out of the station. I later understood that it was one of his friends that gave his family a ride home.

It was the time of landlines so I couldn’t speak with Kunle till early the next morning and he was still angry. He was ranting about women and ingratitude. He reiterated that he put in a lot of effort to please his family but they ganged up against him. They have a life different from the life with me, he kept repeating.

It took a while for him to loosen up and realise that his kids were growing and would need some interests outside the ones they shared with him when they were younger. I reminded him that his wife was just about 19 years old when they met and in the course of their courtship and marriage, she’d done a lot of growing up. Her tastes were bound to change and may still change again.

This is not Fathers’ Day or anything like that but I feel someone needs to hear this. Cut yourselves some slack, dads; you don’t have to know everything or be perfect. Breathe and allow your family to breathe and grow too. Life is a journey; we learn, change and improve as we go along.

So long!